Do you know what a throw away is?
I’m writing this I think as more or less a form of
therapy. Hoping, I think, that if I put
pen to paper (so to speak) perhaps it will stop haunting me. If I bring out in the open that which I have
spent a lifetime hiding…perhaps then it will stop haunting me. Since I know that most, if not all, of my
family have no knowledge or interest in this blog….that makes it safe.
Oh yeah…what is a throw away you ask? I am a throw away. At least that’s what I spent my childhood
believing.
What do you do….where do you go…..when your world crumbles
down around you??? In therapy for years to forget? no not forget…to cope, to be
able to handle memories which haunt your every waking hour and even into the
night. Finally though, finally over the
years you have to say to yourself, “I’m there.”
I can handle what I can remember and you file it away in the hopes that
nothing and I do mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G happens at any time in your life that might
spark one of those memories. You file
them away and you try with everything you have not to remember. It takes a while before they are not the
first thing that enters your head when you wake and the last to leave when you
go to sleep. But….after many years you’re
there and you find yourself able to appreciate…no not just appreciate, you find
yourself actually enjoying each day of your life. And for several years you are able to skip
by, to escape if you will….and it is heaven.
Then…something happens, the panic and fear almost forgotten grabs you
and once again the darkness overtakes your life.
I thought I was the only one, but I wasn’t….there was one more...a
loved one. I escaped thinking I was the
only target. A throw away…that’s how you
feel. As if your life and indeed your
very soul have no worth…no value….which makes you a throw away. Somehow I thought the other one was loved….safe…but
I was wrong. How do you cope with the
feelings of guilt???....how could I have not seen it??? And the tears once more flow and you find
yourself struggling to stay afloat….but you know you have to. So you reach out to those who have proved to
you over the years they can be trusted.
You reach out and you hold on….and you hold on.
Posts
Sending prayers..I know that isn't the answer for everything...but I know about wanting memories to go away...and how they can sneak back upon you so easily...sometimes just seeing the areas I lived in when I was young bring the memories back...sometimes I'll think well maybe if I moved far away I wouldn't be reminded but I know I would just be taking them with me....So I just keep praying....
ReplyDeletePraying for you Brenda.
ReplyDeleteI was a throw away, also, and the bad choices I've made have proved it. I had no guidance, no direction. I want to pass on something I've learned thru Pastor Osteen. Everytime something pops in your head, sat to yourself....change the channel and start thinking of your patterns, or something good in your life. Think hard. It takes some time, but it works. By the way, we are not throw aways. God doesn't make junk.
ReplyDeleteBrenda, you are such a beautiful person on the inside and out.I know we try to handle things are self I am also one of them, but there is times when we can't. Some things are just to much.That's when I turn it over to the Lord. I just tell Him Lord I can't take it any more nothing I am doing is working.Please help me.Brenda He does help. He is there all the time ,but He waits for us to come to Him for help.When things happen like this it makes us realize how much He does care and what the scriptures are telling us about handing things over to Him
ReplyDeleteHe shows us how much He loves us, and how much we need Him in our lives. He cares about everything about us.
Love and prayers coming your way
Diane
Brenda,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are hurting so. You are such a dear sweet woman. I know depression, guilt and all of those things wrapped up together can make one feel unloved and un-needed..
Your not one of those people anymore... you don't know or can't imagine how many lives you have touched just being here on the net with your wonderful and creative work. You my dear are an inspiration and and talented artist. I am very blessed to call you friend :O) Hang in there I am here if you need me.. just drop a line. The email is still the same!!! Hugs M
Hi Brenda
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing ok
Just wanted to drop in
My email is carlaincrestwoodky@yahoo.com
If you get a chance drop me a not sending hugs
oh boy? drop me a note and I am sending hugs My keypad is getting old and so am I...
ReplyDeleteHi Brenda
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for sharing your patterns and artistic work..I have learned much from your site. I understand fully how you feel and what you are going through. It is a very difficult journey and healing comes in spirals of up and then down and back up again. You are not alone..many of us are traveling the same path. Sending you a warm hug..prayers and blessings.
Hi Brenda,
ReplyDeleteI hope you can manage to get past your past. The times I too have been overwhelmed by my past I have taken steps to rid myself of the memory. It is a bit 'new age-ey' but it worked for me.
I write down what I want rid of - all the hurt and pain goes on to that bit of paper. Then I light a candle in my fire place (or outside) and I concentrate on the flame thinking (praying if you like) about the help I need at this time. I then burn that bit of paper and imagine what is written down being burned out of me; that as it all goes up in smoke that the universe/god/whatever will take care of it and that it is gone from my soul.
I hvae done this when there are people in my life that frustrate the living daylights out of me and I can get them out of my head - i write their name on some paper and burn it saying that I wish them no harm but that they leave me alone.
Give it ago - believe and it will work for you too.
Hi, Brenda,
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonder, a wonderful woman. ( Believe me)
I love your patterns, such talent!!! Isn't it funny that crafters are formed from people who have so much pain buried so deep that the only value we give ourselves is what we can make or create with our hands...
ReplyDeleteGoing through the process of forgiving others was easy...forgiving myself has been a much harder one. The love of my children, furry or not, and my patients...and my faith in Christ has finally broken through 40 years of pain...most of which I refused to acknowledge...I had convinced myself it didn't even exist.
Deepest and Dearest heartfelt Blessings!!
I too feel you lady's pain. I've been thru therapy for my past for over 27 yrs. the past keeps me wake most nights. even tho most of these people have past on, they still haunt me. for 23 yrs. I lived with a man who beat me regularly and left me at the step of the hospital with a bag of med's and the knowledge I had just been told 30 mins before I had cancer. but god is wonderful he has now removed me from this situation. even now I want again to have surgery for cancer , I my very blessed to live this long, to have had a chance to be a gift to God. no my story is not bad or even sad, not any more because God has show me life is greater than the events that I've been thru. for this I am no longer afraid to live again. may god bless you all.
ReplyDeleteHi Brenda, I too am a throw away. My mother knew about what was going on when I was a child and did nothing but to ignore it and leave me in harms way, now she has not spoken to me for more than fourteen years even though we live in the same town. If I see her in the street she turns her head away ands walks past me. I am a mother myself and find the hardest thing to accept is the abandonment of your child. I feel the nightmares inside me daily (and nightly) which are sometimes hard to cope with. I also feel guilt that it was me to blame for not speaking out but then I remember, I was a child being badly treated by adults who I was taught to respect. I understand your pain and guilt but these things, however bad, are part of who you are now. You are a person who cares and creates beautifully in spite of everything, as am I. Even though we have our down moments we still carry on and care a great deal. This is evident in your attitude toward your creativity and sharing of your skill and yourself. I hope I can be as bold and brave. Much love to you Brenda, Rachel xx
ReplyDelete