Do you know what a throw away is?
I’m writing this I think as more or less a form of therapy. Hoping, I think, that if I put pen to paper (so to speak) perhaps it will stop haunting me. If I bring out in the open that which I have spent a lifetime hiding…perhaps then it will stop haunting me. Since I know that most, if not all, of my family have no knowledge or interest in this blog….that makes it safe.
Oh yeah…what is a throw away you ask? I am a throw away. At least that’s what I spent my childhood believing.
What do you do….where do you go…..when your world crumbles down around you??? In therapy for years to forget? no not forget…to cope, to be able to handle memories which haunt your every waking hour and even into the night. Finally though, finally over the years you have to say to yourself, “I’m there.” I can handle what I can remember and you file it away in the hopes that nothing and I do mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G happens at any time in your life that might spark one of those memories. You file them away and you try with everything you have not to remember. It takes a while before they are not the first thing that enters your head when you wake and the last to leave when you go to sleep. But….after many years you’re there and you find yourself able to appreciate…no not just appreciate, you find yourself actually enjoying each day of your life. And for several years you are able to skip by, to escape if you will….and it is heaven. Then…something happens, the panic and fear almost forgotten grabs you and once again the darkness overtakes your life.
I thought I was the only one, but I wasn’t….there was one more...a loved one. I escaped thinking I was the only target. A throw away…that’s how you feel. As if your life and indeed your very soul have no worth…no value….which makes you a throw away. Somehow I thought the other one was loved….safe…but I was wrong. How do you cope with the feelings of guilt???....how could I have not seen it??? And the tears once more flow and you find yourself struggling to stay afloat….but you know you have to. So you reach out to those who have proved to you over the years they can be trusted. You reach out and you hold on….and you hold on.